I'm not afraid.
I believe--I dare to believe--that He wishes me to think of you always
till the end of my life. I dare to believe that He would almost hate me
if I could ever cease from loving you. That's my other confession--my
confession to you. I was born, perhaps, to be a monk. But I was born,
too, that I might love you and know your love, your beauty, your
tenderness, your divinity. If I had not known you, if I had died a monk,
a good monk who had never denied his vows, I should have died--I feel
it, Domini--in a great, a terrible ignorance. I should have known the
goodness of God, but I should never have known part, a beautiful part,
of His goodness. For I should never have known the goodness that He has
put into you. He has taught me through you. He has tortured me through
you; yes, but through you, too, He has made me understand Him. When I
was in the monastery, when I was at peace, when I lost myself in prayer,
when I was absolutely pure, absolutely--so I thought--the child of
God, I never really knew God. Now, Domini, now I know Him. In the worst
moments of the new agony that I must meet at least I shall always have
that help.
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