Marriage was for life, and because they had become close companions, he
and she, he did not see that it should inevitably follow they should be
man and wife. He did not feel that he wanted marriage with Miriam. He
wished he did. He would have given his head to have felt a joyous desire
to marry her and to have her. Then why couldn't he bring it off? There
was some obstacle; and what was the obstacle? It lay in the physical
bondage. He shrank from the physical contact. But why? With her he felt
bound up inside himself. He could not go out to her. Something struggled
in him, but he could not get to her. Why? She loved him. Clara said she
even wanted him; then why couldn't he go to her, make love to her, kiss
her? Why, when she put her arm in his, timidly, as they walked, did he
feel he would burst forth in brutality and recoil? He owed himself to
her; he wanted to belong to her. Perhaps the recoil and the shrinking
from her was love in its first fierce modesty. He had no aversion for
her. No, it was the opposite; it was a strong desire battling with a
still stronger shyness and virginity.
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